I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
