hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize