if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
