dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
