Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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