I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
