I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
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