did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
