Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
