Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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