A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
