did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
