happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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