She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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