He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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