It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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