I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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