The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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