Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
