I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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