Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!