A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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