so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
