made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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