The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
