We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
