soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
