I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
