When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
When are your genitals available?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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