I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
