You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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