Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
