I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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