Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
