woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
