I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
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i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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