I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
