did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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