Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
