Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
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i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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