I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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