these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
