I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
