I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
