You made me cry and you don't even care
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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