Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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