a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
