i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
