I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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