he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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