the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
