I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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