I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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