things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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