It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
