Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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