My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
