I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
